50 Things You’ll (probably) Never Hear Catholics Say

1)  Man, I wish this confession line were longer.

2)  Is there really anything to do in Rome?

3)  It’s so nice that we are all on the same page about liturgy and music.

4)  Discernment is just so easy!

5)  Let me teach you the new version of the Gloria.

6)  Yesterday, while I was doing some Lectio on the Book of Revelation…

7)  Your parents aren’t Catholic?  I think a relic would be the perfect gift.

8)  I don’t have any worries about the future of our medical system conflicting with my personal beliefs.

9)  I’m really confident that I’m using this Breviary correctly.

10)  Good thing we got to Mass with so much time to spare.

11)  My prayer time is much more fruitful when I pray on my bed… lying down… with my eyes closed.

12)  Being young and single really helps me blend in at daily Mass.

13)  Would you like to talk about the Spanish Inquisition?

14)  I never people-watch during the communion line.

15)  Pope Francis… yeah, he’s okay.

16)  Go ahead and ask me all your questions about Catholicism.  I feel pretty confident that I can answer all of them.

17)  There are too many people in the front pews at Mass.

18)  I had my conversion through Religious Ed.

19)  Birth Control or NFP?  I haven’t really heard any strong opinions one way or the other.

20)  Donuts after Mass AGAIN?!?!

21)  The Catechism? Yeah, it’s a pretty quick read. Totally beach material.

22)  All that exorcism stuff doesn’t freak me out at all.

23)  You’re interested in celibacy, too?!!

24)  G.K. Chesterton… He was Anglican, right?

25)  I don’t know who to pray to when I lose my stuff!

26)  I never really get distracted during the Rosary either.

27)  Latin Mass and Novus Ordo are practically the same thing.

28)  I, too, have a devotion to St. Willibald.

29)  How ‘bout them Crusades?!

30)  Mary who?

31)  I just wish the Sisters of Life were more joyful.

32)  I’m not at all self-conscious after Ash Wednesday Mass.  Let’s go to the bar.

33)  What marriage controversy?

34)  I think St. Patrick would be proud of how we celebrate him.

35)  I miss Limbo.

36)  Let’s face it: Everyone loves Christian Rock.

37)  No, I don’t want a beer. I’m Catholic.

38)  Sure, leave your phone on vibrate.  No one in this church is distracted by that.

39)  I’m really confident that I’m saying Karol Wojtyla’s name correctly.

40)  Please. Read my prayer journal. Preferably over my shoulder.

41)  I can’t wait to bring a Protestant friend to a St. Blaise throat blessing!

42)  Evangelize whom?

43)  Don’t worry, Catholic weddings are pretty short.

44)  My palm branch! Yep, I know exactly where I’ll keep this.

45)  Anything happen at Harvard this year?

46)  Church history?  Let’s start with indulgences.

47)  I feel like I always know the appropriate greeting during the Sign of Peace.

48)  I’m definitely responsible enough to make a confession “by appointment.”

49)  My priest seems to have a lot of spare time on his hands.

50)  Well, that’s your truth.

Share your own here, or use #catholicsneversay.

Other contributors: Melissa Keating

Katie Salazar
Katie Salazar
Katie (O’Donnell) Salazar is a freelance editor and writer who served as a FOCUS missionary for 7 years — at Auburn University from 2009 – 2013 and at the DSC from 2013-2016 writing Bible studies and curricula for FOCUS. A former 5th grade teacher, she has a passion for classical education, although she is in temporary retirement while in the throes of babies and toddlers. She holds a Bachelor’s degree from Hillsdale College, and resides with her husband and children in Wake Forest, North Carolina.

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